Hypochondria:

My feet are prickling

My legs are cramped

My stomach is aching

Maybe this is the end?

My arms are struggling

My ears burn red

My mind is collapsing

Maybe it is time to greet death?

Contradictory Confusion.

Im overflowing with love, I can see it

But I feel empty

I contradict myself

Is the love I see a hallucination?

The emptiness I feel real?

I can only take so much confusion before my mind gives up

Shallow.

Im giving up

You can leave now

I will scream leave until my lungs burn

I will push you away until my eyes are fire

You call me shallow

I call myself scared

Fill me.

My life is empty, not even you can fill me this time.

When push comes to shove.

When I like someone I do everything I can to push them away. I don’t want them to get closer, I don’t want them to abuse my fondness of them but I don’t want them to leave. Me pushing them away is me screaming stay, fight for me. I need proof that they care, that they aren’t using me; that they want to stick around. I think it’s the trauma of the bullying I went through or my BPD. Probably both. I need validation that I’m okay, that someone wants to be around me, I need that validation in words; or I assume the worst.

Personal.

I’m scared to be personal, yet I continue to let you get personal inside me

I cause my own pain.

I keep letting him back in, only for him to rip my heart out and slowly push it back into me all over again.

Dreamer.

Why do I keep dreaming about you? You’ve broken me down to nothing, my dreams aren’t even mine anymore.

All of me.

Every hair stands on end

Every goosebump rough to my touch

Every neuron sparking in my brain

Every inch of me is screaming please stop

– Am I Even Me

Feeling Everything but Nothing.

I’m laying in bed looking at my scar covered arms and sobbing every time I think about him. Why is it always failed love or friendship that brings me the most pain, why is it the reason I lay here tonight wondering if I should keep going? Maybe it’s just the tip of everything, the thing that has pushed me over the edge this time or maybe it’s the only logical thing my mind can blame. 

I keep screaming in my head “why won’t he just reply to me, why”, he has told me why and that is because he’s struggling in life, he doesn’t want to talk to anyone. That’s rational but my mind doesn’t work on that wave length.

I wish with every inch of me I could write him a sorry paragraph but I feel that will make things worse, that I will just embarrass myself further. I believe I reacted this way because it’s the first person I’ve liked in two years excluding my recent ex. I got excited, I was moving on and he seemed interested in getting to know me too. I pushed too much and kept over thinking everything I said, he made me a nervous wreck.

He made me feel like I was actually pretty for once, it makes me want to cry thinking about it. He was my new years kiss, it was in its own way perfect. The hug goodbye at the end felt like he genuinely cared about me, I didn’t want him to let me go. That same night I went home with my ex, that probably left a lasting impression. Drunk me is extremely naïve, I hated myself after; I cried myself to sleep trying to rid the mistakes of the night from my memory. 

I would cut my ex out of my life for this guy, that says a lot about how I feel. My mind keeps running over all the ways I could try to fix this fucked up situation but I don’t think I can. 

How can someone I barely know make me feel so much?