Life

Hypochondria:

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My feet are prickling

My legs are cramped

My stomach is aching

Maybe this is the end?

My arms are struggling

My ears burn red

My mind is collapsing

Maybe it is time to greet death?

When push comes to shove.

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When I like someone I do everything I can to push them away. I don’t want them to get closer, I don’t want them to abuse my fondness of them but I don’t want them to leave. Me pushing them away is me screaming stay, fight for me. I need proof that they care, that they aren’t using me; that they want to stick around. I think it’s the trauma of the bullying I went through or my BPD. Probably both. I need validation that I’m okay, that someone wants to be around me, I need that validation in words; or I assume the worst.

Feeling Everything but Nothing.

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I’m laying in bed looking at my scar covered arms and sobbing every time I think about him. Why is it always failed love or friendship that brings me the most pain, why is it the reason I lay here tonight wondering if I should keep going? Maybe it’s just the tip of everything, the thing that has pushed me over the edge this time or maybe it’s the only logical thing my mind can blame. 

I keep screaming in my head “why won’t he just reply to me, why”, he has told me why and that is because he’s struggling in life, he doesn’t want to talk to anyone. That’s rational but my mind doesn’t work on that wave length.

I wish with every inch of me I could write him a sorry paragraph but I feel that will make things worse, that I will just embarrass myself further. I believe I reacted this way because it’s the first person I’ve liked in two years excluding my recent ex. I got excited, I was moving on and he seemed interested in getting to know me too. I pushed too much and kept over thinking everything I said, he made me a nervous wreck.

He made me feel like I was actually pretty for once, it makes me want to cry thinking about it. He was my new years kiss, it was in its own way perfect. The hug goodbye at the end felt like he genuinely cared about me, I didn’t want him to let me go. That same night I went home with my ex, that probably left a lasting impression. Drunk me is extremely naïve, I hated myself after; I cried myself to sleep trying to rid the mistakes of the night from my memory. 

I would cut my ex out of my life for this guy, that says a lot about how I feel. My mind keeps running over all the ways I could try to fix this fucked up situation but I don’t think I can. 

How can someone I barely know make me feel so much?

Life Update:

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I haven’t posted in a while. I just didn’t feel myself and honestly I still don’t so that should say “I don’t feel myself”. I’m posting today to get how I’ve been feeling off my chest and explain what’s been going on in my life the past couple of months. Well the first thing is that I’ve been discharged from CAMHS so no more therapy, not thrilled about that since I still feel like killing myself every second but I’m working to keep myself safe. A very long and complicated story lead to me being ‘cheated’ on twice, it’s a long story which I’ll probably write about some time soon. I had to repeat my last year of high school but I’ve applied for the vet nursing course I want to do, fingers crossed that goes well. I can’t think of anything else that is of much significance, the little things matter but not enough for me to remember them. After all that, I am heartbroken, hopefully becoming a vet nurse, drinking most days to ease the pain, sleeping around to keep my mind from traveling to him and her and lastly I’m still highly suicidal. That was my rather mediocre life update, thank you for reading.

A little bit about my mental health…

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Well I’m an anxiety fighter which to a lot of you probably means nothing because I often hear “everyone has anxiety though” well although yes everyone does experience moments of anxiety not every person has an anxiety disorder. My anxiety doesn’t let my go to class or leave my house with out my parents and even with my parents it can still be too hard, now before someone say well maybe you shouldn’t let it control you; I don’t. Me getting up everyday is me trying and me facing the fear of the front door is me trying so yes I’m struggling but no I do not let it control me.  I have been in therapy for 4 years and honestly it is shit although some strategies have worked, I have been on 200mg sertraline for over a year and since they believed that wasn’t working just a couple of weeks ago changed me to fluoxetine so I’m crossing my fingers it’ll work but so far i have had 4 panic attacks, I know it’ll take 4-7 weeks to start working so I’m going to continue to believe it’ll work. Anyway that’s the basics of my mental illness although there is so much more in-depth I’ll do some separate posts later on. If you’re thinking I’m way to ‘precious’ and need to suck it up, please go join the long line of people who obviously don’t understand.